I was reading a Happy Herbivore Facebook thread regarding an article about Oreos being as addictive as cocaine. As you can imagine, the thread had responses ranging from “I love Oreos, they are vegan!” to “you don’t know addiction until you’ve seen a drug addict die during withdrawal.” When the thread took on a “my addiction is better than your addiction” tone, I stopped reading.
I have eaten several Oreos in the last several days. They have had them out at work. Every time I grab one, myself or someone else says “Accidentally Vegan!” This is so, so wrong. SOS!
Full disclosure: I am currently eating fried green tomatoes with ranch dressing. Drinking a Bloody Mary. Waiting on a cheeseburger while sitting in the bar at a local rib place.
I believe food addiction to be real.
Today it was easier to give in to sugar/oil/salt (SOS.) I have bigger problems. At least that is what I told myself.
Note: a heavier set lady just asked if she could swap a barstool for a bar table chair where I’m sitting. I said sure, offered her the other one, thinking the bar is full. She said, laughing, “Thank you so much. My butt is just too big for these silly stools.” Men at the bar laughed. I’m incredibly sad for her, and wondering if my butt would fit in that stool seat.
I am obviously in crisis.
Yesterday there was a conversation at work between myself an an individual who believes himself to be more evolved and understanding of what is REALLY going on in the world. Why I get into these conversations I may never know. Sometimes it’s amusing. Sometimes it’s downright annoying. Sometimes he is dead on and that pisses me off.
The discussion turned to The Pleasure Trap and the salt/oil/sugar issue. I confessed I have a problem in that arena, and I’m working on figuring out how to shut that down. SOS!
He described when he decided to quit smoking. He smoked one after another while driving cross country many years ago. How visualized his lungs dying. He arrived at his destination sick, struggling to breath, and never wanting another cigarette. (He added that he also was about 3000 feet higher upon arrival than when he left, which probably adds to his difficulty to breath.)
I envy that kind of dedication. I envy the ability to go THERE, wherever there is.
How do I arrive THERE?
What is holding me back?
What needs to happen to me to let my brain go THERE?
What is my rock bottom?
These are the things that keep me awake at night.
I am watching documentaries. I am reading, immersing myself. I am trying to minimize my SOS behavior. I am recognizing demons.
I have so much work to do.
PS: I ate less than half of my burger. I left feeling nauseous, and I have been fighting the feeling that I need to throw up for hours.